Gone
by Officially-Malec-Trash
Summary: Dating someone in the Army was hard. Drew and Rick both knew this, but couldn't help being drawn together. But the pain of being together might be too much for their relationship to withstand.
1. Chapter 1: Heart

Chapter 1: Heart

"What?"

"You heard me Drew. I got deployed, I have to leave tomorrow."

"Wha- How long have you known?"

Rick can't bare to meet Drew's eyes, because he knew

He knew.

"How long Rick?"

"A month."

The sound of glass breaking fills their apartment as Drew smashes the empty wine bottle to the ground. He soon follows, falling to his knees.

"Why would you keep this from me?" His hurt stains his words, tears vibrating in every syllable. Rick glances at his beautiful, emotional, big hearted boyfriend and his soul cracks. He knew that Drew would be upset, no matter if he told him or not. Drew felt with his entire being, and this might be enough to crush him. He loved Drew so much, watching him hurt was like watching someone pull all the bones out of his body. But that was better, easier than looking at the ache in Drew's eyes, the betrayal he felt.

"I-" Rick pauses, knowing that what he did was wrong. Drew was wearing the pain of his choice in every inch of body, every atom of his very being.

"I didn't want to upset you."

Drew opens his mouth to retaliate, Upset me? Too late for that.

"And I'm sorry. What I did was wrong. I should have told you when I found out." Getting up from his seat, Rick seats himself next Drew, brushing his fingers across the other man's cheek.

Drew sighs, shoulders sagging from the weight of just how much he loved Rick. If anything happened to him, Drew wouldn't be complete. Rick was his other half, the yin to his yang, and all those other cliches people use to describe their partners. Rick was a part of him, Rick made him better. He couldn't lose that. Not now, not ever.

"How long are you over there?"

"A year." Rick could see the tears building up, it was written in the way Drew scrunched his face up, trying to hold them in. He pulled his boyfriend into his chest, holding him as the sobs took over.

The drive to the airport was somber. They had spent the night in bed, quietly kissing each other's tears away. Drew had fallen asleep first, as he usually does. Life hits him so hard, he feels everything to the core of his being. Life exhausted him, especially the bad. This was crushing him, but he was holding it together. That was how much he loved Rick.

"Are you going to say anything to me?"

Rick's voice startled Drew out of his thoughts. It was rough, scratchy, how it usually sounds after he'd been crying for a long time. But Rick had known about his deployment, had known that Drew would be furious if he kept it to himself. Yet he still cried. That was how much he loved Drew.

"I wish you hadn't felt like you needed to keep this to yourself. I am here for you." Drew takes one of Rick's hands in his, letting his breath out as Rick's fingers curl into his, almost unconsciously. Rick's other hand slowly wraps around Drew's, until both of his hands encompassed Drew's one. Rick sighed, pulling Drew's hand up to his mouth, softly brushing his lips against each finger.

"I know, but I didn't want to see you hurt. I thought that the less time you knew, the easier it would be for you. For us both." Rick's voice breaks, and he holds Drew's hand as if it is the only thing keeping him together. His anchor, stopping him from falling off the edge of this pit of despair that always seemed to fill their relationship. Deployment after deployment, the secrets they had to keep, the lies they had to tell, all of it ate at them, tore at the edges of their skin, ripping into their souls, exposing their true fears, of not being accepted, not being loved.

Drew feels the liquid on his fingers, before he hears Rick's sobs. All this heartache, all this pain, he had never seen it affect Rick the way it affected him. Holding this in, keeping it from Drew was taking a toll on the Ranger. They had enough secrets to keep from the outside world, having to keep secrets from each other had been breaking him.

Drew pulled over, grasping both of Rick's hands, letting him ride out his tears. He had seen Rick cry before, seen him upset, but nothing like this. It was as if Rick's soul was pouring out of his eyes, as if by leaving Drew, he would be losing something essential, as if he wasn't coming back.

"I'm sorry."

"Rick, you don't have to apologize." Drew blinked, trying to hold it together when all he wanted to do was hold Rick, keep him safe from everything the world could do to him, make him feel the love that threatened to make Drew explode every second he was alive. He wanted to protect his country, but he wanted to protect his boyfriend more.

Drew kisses both of Rick's palms, wipes his tears, caresses his cheeks, tries to provide the comfort he knows Rick needs. Rick leaned into the touch, craving the stability when it seems all they had in their life was the unknown. All the hiding, the sneaking, when all he wanted was Drew. To breathe him in, feel his fingers brushing against his skin, listening to him laugh as he talks about his day, arguing about what to watch on tv, snuggling next to him when he was cold, wearing his flannels, God he loved Drew. He loved Drew more than he could fathom, this silly, strong, mess of a man that had wormed his way into Rick's life.

"Ok, we have to go. I'm going to miss the plane.

Watching Rick walk into that airplane terminal was the hardest thing Drew ever had to do. They couldn't even say goodbye properly, not with everyone watching. Rick had only filled Drew's arms for a few seconds before pushing him away, whispered "I love you" in his ear before walking away, grabbing the bags Drew had helped him pack, wearing the watch Drew got him for his birthday. Black, with the date they met engraved on the back. Sleek, yet simple. Just like Rick.

All the words he hadn't had the chance to say caught in his throat. How much he cared, how hard he loved, all the things he wanted to do with Rick. What if he never came back? Never knew how deep the feelings Drew had for him went? The possibility made Drew's stomach drop, and he barely made back to his truck before he broke down, tears spilling onto his steering wheel as Rick's plane took off in the distance.


	2. Chapter 2: Memories

Chapter 2: Memories

Drew picked up an apple from the kitchen table as he goes to sit on the couch. He walks past the coffee table, pausing before picking up the photo album Rick made for their 10th anniversary. All the trips they took, all the adventures Rick made him go on, all the quiet moments, when Rick looked so beautiful that it took Drew's breath away. Drew had almost held it together when Rick gave it to him.

Until he saw the notes.

All the notes they used to write each other, secretly of course. On his pillow, taped on his bag, once even in his shoe. Drew thought they had gotten lost in the move.

"You kept these?"

Rick chuckled as he kissed Drew on the cheek, fingers brushing against the back of his head, sliding down his back to wrap around his waist, pulling him closer.

"Of course I did. They mean a lot to me. **You** mean a lot to me. I love you Drew."

That pushed Drew over the edge, pressing his face into Rick's shoulder as he shook from the weight of his love pouring out of him. Rick held him, like he always did. Rick was always there.

Until he wasn't.

Drew traced the words on the cover. Rick had gotten it personally made, an inside joke from when they were in basic together. Neither of them even remember what the joke is about, just the punchline.

"Choo choo, boo boo."

Drew can't stop the smile that appears on his face, nor the tears that follow soon after he opens the cover. The pictures bring back memories of a happier time, a simpler time. Them in their fatigues, grinning at the camera. One of Drew sleeping as the other members of his squad put him on a raft and set him adrift in the middle of a lake. Rick was helping push him off. Another picture was of Rick at the apple orchard. Rick had this obsession with apples, and when Drew surprised him with the trip, Rick had screamed. Like literally screamed. Everyone in the parking lot turned and stared as Rick bounced around, proclaiming in no uncertain terms his love for apples. His glee shone through the picture, stabbing Drew in the part of his heart that held his love for this perfect man.

"My first, my last, my everything." Barry White's soulful voice plays out from Drew's phone. That was the ringtone Rick had picked for himself. Drew didn't even know who Barry White was until he met Rick. He hadn't know so much until he met…

Rick. Rick was calling him. Drew fumbles with getting the photo album out of his lap, with picking up his phone, with answering the call.

"Rick."

Rick almost cried when Drew picked up the phone. He had been deployed for over 3 months, and this is the first time he had been able to call him. He could hear the breathlessness in Drew's voice, the relief.

"Drew."

He knew Drew was barely holding himself together. Rick was his glue, and Drew had no other means to stick all his parts to each other.

"I-" Drew has to cover his mouth. He's so relieved to hear Rick's voice. He almost starts crying again, like he hadn't done that every day for the 3 months since Rick left.

"I missed you too, you big baby." Rick's teasing made Drew laugh, something he couldn't even remember doing since Rick left.

"Oh I'm the baby huh?"

"You're crying aren't you?"

"Shut up."

Rick breaks into giggles, setting Drew off. Neither of them can get a word in before the other's laughter causes them to start up again. All they do for a few minutes is laugh. Pure, innocent, like they weren't separated by thousands of miles, like Rick couldn't die any second.

When they finally stopped, a stiff silence remained.

"You better fucking come back to me."

Rick grinned. Drew was such a worrier. He worried about every single thing. If Rick didn't get back from the store on time, he would call in a missing person's. Rick could only imagine all the new wrinkles on his lover's face from stressing about him.

"You hear me Rick?"

"Yeah yeah come back to you. As if I was planning on doing something else."

"I don't know, I heard the weather is Afghanistan is pretty nice. So much sand, and all the constant violence, really appealing."

Hearing Drew's jokes made Rick giggle again. He missed this. The love, disguising itself as banter, coming through his phone.

"Drew, I love yo-"

 **Boom.**

 **Boom.**

 **Boom.**


	3. Chapter 3: MIA

Chapter 3: MIA

Rick had been gone for so long, yet Drew still couldn't move on. It felt like he was stuck, little things reminding him of Rick every day. He felt like he was going crazy.

2 weeks.

That's how long it took the Army to contact Drew.

Drew wasn't his primary next of kin, but Rick had made them put each other on their contact lists, in case something happened.

"I don't know about this Rick, it's suspicious. What if people ask why?"

"We'll go with the roommate thing like we always do." Rick leaned over to kiss Drew on the cheek and to make sure he was actually filling out the information properly.

"Besides, if something ever happened to me, I'd want you to know. And I would want to know if something happened to you."

"I don't even want to think about something happening to you." Drew sighs, feeling the warmth of Rick's hands running over his shoulders, slipping over his chests, Rick's head coming to rest on his shoulder.

"I know, and neither do I. But we have to. I want to be prepared." Rick mumbles into Drew's shoulder, feeling the other man's lips caress the spot behind his ear.

Turns out they would need it.

"Is this Second Lieutenant Drew Allister?"

Drew could barely get out the word "yes". The Army only called about 2 things: deployments, and bad news about your loved ones. The only person they could be calling him about would be Rick, oh god please don't let it be Rick.

The only things Drew's brain could process were the letters "MIA". He knew what that meant. He knew. Rick was lost, the booming he heard, the fact that he couldn't reach Rick after that, that he couldn't reach anyone, couldn't get any information. They had to confirm the events before they informed loved ones.

Drew wasn't aware of hanging up, wasn't aware of of his legs giving out, wasn't aware of sinking into the couch. All he could think about was Rick. His perfect, gorgeous, funny, sweet, strong boyfriend was gone.

He wasn't aware of the tears silently escaping from his eyes, or his hands curling in on themselves. All he was aware of was the fact that Rick was gone.

That was 3 years ago. In that time, almost everyone had given up on Rick. Even his parents, who Drew had met after they came to the apartment to meet him, invite him to the impromptu gathering they were having to grieve their son.

As if he had died.

Drew hadn't given up. He couldn't. Every day, something reminded him of Rick. Whether it be the fatigues he wore, which were secretly Rick's, or listening to a playlist Rick made him to teach him more music, or their anniversary passing thrice over, Rick was everywhere to him.

And it was driving him insane.

He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't breathe without thoughts of Rick permeating his brain. He could barely follow orders, especially since he was deployed to the exact same base that Rick was lost at.

But he was going home today, and he would finally be able to be sleep in his own bed, finally able to sleep and live without being haunted of the image of Rick floating around in his vision.

Drew walks into his barracks, causing him to miss the commotion that happens at the front gates almost immediately afterwards.

" _Drew."_

That's all the 2 guards at the gate heard before they saw a man crawling towards them. They point their guns at him, calling for him to stop where he was, put his hands up, they'd shoot him if they had to.

And they he looks up.

They recognize him.

He was one of the men who was lost during the attack 3 years ago. His picture was on the wall in every building. He was one of the ones who hadn't been found yet. And even more surprisingly, he was alive.

No one had been found alive yet.

They help him up, call for a medic, anyone, just please help us.

" _Drew"_ was the last thing out of Rick's mouth before he passed out.

"Medic! Medic!" Drew hears the cries, and rushes out to see them practically dragging a man into the medic tents. He makes his way into the tent, stands over his patient, calls for a central line to be place, IV saline to be hung, but doesn't get a good look at the man's face. He's too busy trying to check the man for injuries. He cuts the man's clothes off, to make sure there aren't any injuries underneath, turning him over to check his back. His skin is raw, so Drew calls for some aloe vera to take the pain away. He barely hears himself call for 5 of morphine, he's that focused. This is how he always was with patients. He hated watching his fellow servicemen and women get hurt, especially because they all remind him of Rick. It didn't help that this man was built almost exactly like Rick, albeit much thinner.

"He was asking for you when he first got here."

"What?" Drew turns his head as he snaps out of doctor mode, the words unconsciously causing hope to rise from the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah he just kept moaning your name. He's one of the guys from the wall too. It's crazy, this is the first one to come back."

Drew turns back to the man as he feels someone grab his wrist. Seeing Rick's fingers curled around his arm, his eyes wild, yet still the most perfect shade of blue Drew had ever seen.

"Drew." Rick's voice was quiet, rough, like it hurt to talk.

"We're gonna get you home Rick. I promise."

Drew never thought he would be on a chopper going home with his beautiful, precious boyfriend. He never thought he would even be there when they found Rick.

He didn't think he would be landing at a hospital with Rick.

He didn't think he would be there when they cleared him of major injuries.

He didn't think he would be taking Rick _home._

Back to the new place that Drew had started to rent. Because living in a space filled with Rick had been too much,

He didn't think he would be the one debriefing Rick's parents about them finally finding him.

He didn't think he would be taking Rick's stuff out of the storage unit he rented, and putting it back with his stuff.

All he could even think about was Rick. How much he wanted to touch him, tell him how much he loved him, comfort him. But he had to wait until they got home.

Rick had fallen asleep in the car, so Drew put him in the wheelchair the hospital allowed him to take with them. Although nothing was seriously wrong with Rick, and he was able to be discharged, he still was malnourished, dehydrated, and weak. He needed to be monitored, slowly weaned back onto solid foods.

Drew lifted the wheelchair up the steps of their new home, unlocking the door before carrying Rick up the stairs and into the bedroom, tucking him into bed, kissing him on the forehead, whispering "I love you." into his hair, and then folding up the chair and putting it into the closet by the front door.

Drew all but collapsed onto the couch, absentmindedly picking up the photo album and turning to his favorite page. He hadn't been able to look at it for 3 years. He only brought it back out when he cleaned up the house for Rick's homecoming.

It was a picture of them kissing under mistletoe. Rick had hung some in the walkway between the kitchen and living room, and surprised Drew when he came home from his deployment. He had been lucky to be able to be home for Christmas, even if Rick made him wear ugly, itchy Christmas sweaters. They had Christmas all to themselves that year, and it was one of Drew's favorite memories.

Under that picture was a sticky note with Rick's messy handwriting scrawled on it

Three words took up the entire note, but they were Drew's favorite.

"I love you."


	4. Chapter 4: Together

Chapter 4: Together

Living with Rick after he came back was almost as hard as living without him. They loved each other, but trying to put their lives back together wasn't going to be easy just because they loved each other.

Drew pulled up in front of his home, put his truck in park, but couldn't bring himself to exit. He dreaded entering. He went out to get groceries, but more to clear his head. To get some space.

Being in the same house as Rick was draining. He had finally healed, at least physically. But he refused to go to therapy. Refused to even acknowledge his PTSD. He didn't want to accept any help, even from Drew.

They were in love. Every time he saw Rick, he knew he didn't want to spend life with anyone else.

But it was so _hard._

Not being able to touch him, barely being able to talk to him. Having to sleep in the guest room. Because Rick had nightmares, would get lost in memories of what he endured. Sudden movements terrified him, noises could make him lash out in seconds. He couldn't even bare to feel Drew touch him, as much as he wanted it.

Drew sighs, grabs the bags off the passenger seat, and walks inside.

"Can we talk?"

Drew had just finished putting the groceries away when Rick walked out from their bedroom, requesting a meeting.

"Of course."

They both sit in the living room, opposite sides of the couch, but facing each other. Rick wrings his hands together, as Drew waits for him to speak.

"I'm sorry Drew. For everything I put you through, and everything I'm still putting you through."

"What are you-"

Rick cuts Drew off.

"I was on the phone with my mom while you were gone. She told me about everything you did while I was missing. How you advocated for me, how you refused to take their money, but instead got a second job to cover rent, how you visited them to make sure they were coping. And she asked me how you were coping, if we were working things through." Rick laughs, and puts his head in his hands.

"God I'm such an idiot! All you want to do is help me and I keep pushing you away. I've been back for almost 3 months and I haven't even seen a therapist, and you just let me because you don't want to push me and hurt me anymore and look at what I'm doing to you."

Rick sits up, hesitatingly brushes his fingers against Drew's cheek, revelling in the way Drew leaned into his touch.

"You're aching for me to touch you, you don't want to come in the house because you're afraid of setting me off, you sleep in the fucking guest room for god's sake, just to give me space. I'm hurting you, and you're letting me, because you love me so much."

"I don't want you to do something you aren't ready to do." Drew takes Rick's hands in his, cringing at the the way Rick flinches. His lips brush against the insides of Rick's wrists, as he pulls his boyfriend closer.

"Rick, I love you. But you can't keep living like this. You're terrified and furious and depressed and I don't to watch you go through this but I can't help you and it's killing me. Every day I have to watch you sit around the house, unable to move sometimes because of how much pain you're in. Every night, I have to listen to you scream, knowing that I can't do anything to make it go away." Both men attempt to hold in tears, not looking up for fear of breaking. All they can do is stare at their hands, jumbled together in a big mess, but neither able to let go for fear of losing the other.

"Rick, you have to go to therapy. You can't continue like this. You're killing yourself, and killing me by making me watch this. You have to."

Rick leans into Drew's chest, laying on top of him as both men let the sobs that had built up finally leave their bodies.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Drew wraps his arm around Rick, gently pressing his lips against his lover's cheek, watching as a smile lit up his face. They walked together to where Rick had parked his truck.

"How was group today?"

"Good. There was this new kid there today, young, barely 19. His entire unit got caught in a trap, he was the only one to make it out alive. He had to watch as all his friends died."

"Geez, that's rough. At least he has some support now. He doesn't have to go through it alone." Drew throws his bag into the back on the truck, and they both climb in.

"You wanna order in tonight? I don't want to cook."

Drew smirks. "You never want to cook Rick. I always cook."

Rick giggles and nudges Drew softly. "Maybe I'm just craving Chinese ok? You haven't had a night off in forever, I was starting to wonder if you were a vampire."

"Oh, I'm the vampire? Have you seen how pale you are?"

Both men continue to laugh and tease each other as they ride home.

"Seriously Drew, if you wanted lo mein, you should've ordered it instead of eating mine."

Rick moves his plate away from Drew's chopsticks, earning groans from him.

"But yours tastes so much better!" Drew reaches over, trying desperately to obtain more noodles, causing Rick to move his plate in avoidance.

"Drew!" Rick whines, watching the man sit back, noodles successfully captured. Drew grins, inspiring a matching one to appear on his boyfriend. Drew's grin is replace by a look of betrayal as Rick steals his noodles back, and eats them, along with the rest of his noodles.

"Now you can't eat any." Food finished, Rick grabs their plates and throws them in the trash, jumping as Drew grabs his from behind.

"You shouldn't have done that, Rick." Drew's growling in his ears sends Rick back to his capture, but only for a moment before he is jolted back to reality by Drew's fingers wiggling over his sides.

"Stop it!" Rick's giggles carrying through their home as Drew continues to tickle him until he apologizes.

"I love you" Rick presses a kiss to Drew's shoulder with every word, causing Drew to tighten his grip around his lover's waist.

"Love you too" Drew kissed all over Rick's face, making him break out into giggles again.

"Drew." Rick hid his face in the crook of Drew's neck, stopping the man's onslaught of kisses.

"Fine." Drew chuffs, tilting Rick's face up so he could place one last kiss on his lips before nuzzling into Rick's hair.

"Thank you. For everything you've done for me. I know it must've been extremely hard." Rick's whisper slowly reaches Drew's ears, and his fingers squeeze Rick's waist.

"For you, I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Rick tangles their legs together, chuckling at how Drew shivers as his cold feet brush against Drew's warmer legs.

"But I would make you wear socks next time." Drew's complaining elicits laughter from Rick, who props his head up on his boyfriend's chest in order to see him better.

"Oh really? You'd make me?"

"Yes." Drew's reply gets lost somewhere in their kiss, mingling in their sleepy " I love you"s, settling over them as they fall asleep.

Together.


End file.
